Tina and I went to Noodles for macaroni and cheese tonight. She asked if I wanted to do anything afterwards, and I told her I should get going so I could call Jameson. She was surprised that I talk to him. Evidently, she thought that I would have broken up with him by now, and when I asked her why, she went into this long talk about how she thinks she knows what it’s like to be me. I told her that even though things are rocky between us, doesn’t mean I can’t work through it. Then, she got some weird idea, and I’ll take this exactly how she put it, “Just tell him you want to break up with him.” She can’t get anything through her thick head that it’s a problem between my parents and I, and not a problem between Jameson and I.
After me being hot-headed and a little irritated with Tina, I went for a drive. I don’t know where I was going. I just drove. I needed to clear my head a bit, and that’s when I came really, really close to driving to Jameson. I knew I couldn’t; my parents wouldn’t appreciate it. Not to mention, fifteen dollars in cash and a bank card with no money in the account wouldn’t get me very far. I can’t believe I’m listening to my parents rather than following what my heart tells me to do. Every day that passes with my parents and I not agreeing on some sort of plan for Jameson and I to meet, I break down.
When I got home this evening from a good two- hour drive, I got the paper and mail. I noticed there was a hand-address letter to me from my school district. My first instinct was, “what do they want now?” but, rather, it was another letter to myself that I had written when I was a senior in high school. After reading it, I can’t believe how much life doesn’t work out they way we want it to. I wrote about my personality, looks, interests, and friends. Looking at what I wrote down for my goals to be, I reached one of them. Pretty good if you ask me, but I still don’t think I’m satisfied. Then again, nobody ever thought I would have to take a year off from school to take care of my mom after her second surgery. The one person that meant most to me back then was Tony, even though by that time, we still weren’t on speaking terms, and ever since that one incident, never were. Somehow, I thought our friendship would last through anything, but it didn’t. I also mentioned how I wanted to be in a relationship ready for marriage, without impressing anybody or being someone I’m not.
After reading that letter, the one two years before that, and comparing them to how I feel today, one thing is for sure. I’m not happy.