Letter To Self II

Tina and I went to Noodles for macaroni and cheese tonight. She asked if I wanted to do anything afterwards, and I told her I should get going so I could call Jameson. She was surprised that I talk to him. Evidently, she thought that I would have broken up with him by now, and when I asked her why, she went into this long talk about how she thinks she knows what it’s like to be me. I told her that even though things are rocky between us, doesn’t mean I can’t work through it. Then, she got some weird idea, and I’ll take this exactly how she put it, “Just tell him you want to break up with him.” She can’t get anything through her thick head that it’s a problem between my parents and I, and not a problem between Jameson and I.

After me being hot-headed and a little irritated with Tina, I went for a drive. I don’t know where I was going. I just drove. I needed to clear my head a bit, and that’s when I came really, really close to driving to Jameson. I knew I couldn’t; my parents wouldn’t appreciate it. Not to mention, fifteen dollars in cash and a bank card with no money in the account wouldn’t get me very far. I can’t believe I’m listening to my parents rather than following what my heart tells me to do. Every day that passes with my parents and I not agreeing on some sort of plan for Jameson and I to meet, I break down.

When I got home this evening from a good two- hour drive, I got the paper and mail. I noticed there was a hand-address letter to me from my school district. My first instinct was, “what do they want now?” but, rather, it was another letter to myself that I had written when I was a senior in high school. After reading it, I can’t believe how much life doesn’t work out they way we want it to. I wrote about my personality, looks, interests, and friends. Looking at what I wrote down for my goals to be, I reached one of them. Pretty good if you ask me, but I still don’t think I’m satisfied. Then again, nobody ever thought I would have to take a year off from school to take care of my mom after her second surgery. The one person that meant most to me back then was Tony, even though by that time, we still weren’t on speaking terms, and ever since that one incident, never were. Somehow, I thought our friendship would last through anything, but it didn’t. I also mentioned how I wanted to be in a relationship ready for marriage, without impressing anybody or being someone I’m not.

After reading that letter, the one two years before that, and comparing them to how I feel today, one thing is for sure. I’m not happy.

Happy November

I know, long time, no updates. It’s November already, wow! My mom will be having her birthday next week, and after that, I’ll have the house to myself for a few days! I’m so excited. I’ll have one day of school, a house to myself, and plenty of time to think things over. More on that in a bit.

This past Monday, I went to the school counselor and changed my major to practical nursing. I have next semester’s schedule all planned out, and I’m looking at sixteen credits, some of which are only a month or so long. The big one is anatomy and physiology; it is a five credit course and meets twice a week for the whole semester. I planned it so if I needed to take a vacation, it could happen. Basically, I’m looking at a Tuesday to Thursday class the last half of the semester in the evenings, which is pretty awesome, or at least I think so.

Last week, I spent ten hours outside of class to work on this group project presentation. I have no idea why I volunteered to work on the group activity, it was really hard. Our group gave our presentation on Wednesday evening, and I think we did well. After looking at the other group’s presentations, I think we went out of our way on doing a group activity. The other groups handed out paper visuals and did a word find, while we handed out cards that people had to place into the correct envelopes to represent that specific term or part of a MIS.

I’m sorry I haven’t been able to update for a while. If you asked my friends, you’d see that I’ve been pretty withdrawn the past couple of weeks. There’s something wrong with my mental state. I stopped taking my BCP since I felt different with all the hormones in my body; I didn’t feel like myself. I still don’t. Can you believe, I’ve actually thought about ending my life? I’m not stupid enough to do it, but me having somewhat uncontrolled thoughts about it makes me worry.

I feel like a piece of me is missing, and I don’t know why. I’m happy that a man I met almost a year ago has started talking to me. He wants to come visit me, but I’m not sure that’s a good idea, since I’m afraid he wants to be more than friends. The age difference is too far apart for us to be doing that sort of thing, anyway. He used to be a teacher, and he’s had to deal with teenagers and their emotions before, and I’m hoping that if I have a chance to talk to him about it, it’ll make me feel better. I like to talk to people who don’t know who my friends are, or to people I don’t know at all, since it makes me feel more secure about what I have to say; nobody will know and they won’t tell anyone.