Depression Is My Friend

I drove 700 miles over two days last week.  I have never seen my spouse work so hard as I did the while on the coast of North Carolina. While I went into town for a bite to eat and to escape the heat, I received a call that he had gotten a job offer. We had the discussion about if he should accept or not. I listened to him and his reasons for wanting the change.

The next day he went into work and it was clear that nobody was thankful for what he had done the day before.  He put in his two week notice and there is nothing his current company can do for him that will convince him to stay.  (Besides asking for a larger raise, but that ship has probably sailed.)  It’s interesting how everyone is sad to see him go but management couldn’t care less because they see him as a number and didn’t fight for him to stay.  I know, for a fact, that shit will hit the fan when he’s gone because he’s the only one that gets stuff finished.

I haven’t been having a great week.  I’m constantly sad and there’s nothing, besides medication, that can be done to make me feel better.  The last week was especially bad because I woke up on Sunday morning to find our second fur baby, Oreo, dead.  I woke up early on Sunday morning and I knew she wouldn’t make it through the night.  I didn’t want to believe it.  I wanted to say goodbye to her one last time but when I saw her mouth hanging open I lost it.  I’m doing everything I can to not think about Oreo, but it’s extremely difficult.  I see shadows moving and I think it’s her walking toward me but it’s the other cat.

I’ve been handed a lot of crap over the past month.  I’ve dealt with my feelings.  I can move on, but there’s that depression that lingers.  It’s the “I don’t give a crap” type of depression because I haven’t been taking care of myself.  I can barely do things I need to do, and I don’t want to do things I used to enjoy.  I explained to an acquaintance that I refuse to open up to anyone “new,” that I don’t have that one “best friend” since my best friend is on the autism scale and she can’t really relate to serious things I want to talk about.

Annual Vacation

Wednesday 8/22

I woke up at 4:30 AM so I could catch an Uber to the airport.  Thankfully for me, I was able to find one at an early hour and got to the airport with plenty of time to spare.  The last time I tried to get to the airport at an early hour, I was unsuccessful and had to take a taxi.  The prices between Uber and the taxi are not far off anymore since the taxi companies offer the flat rate which works in my favor since I am a bit out of town.  The new terminal at the airport has opened and it is very large and open.  It houses each airline except for American.  The flight was uneventful.  On the second leg from BNA to STL a woman and her companion animal sat next to me.  The dog was well behaved to my surprise.

Thursday 8/23

The first day of the Minnesota State Fair was on Thursday.  My mom and I left the house at 5:30 AM to ensure a close parking spot.  When we arrived outside the gates, cars were lined down the street waiting for the parking lots to be open.  My mom said she had not seen it that busy ever.  Once we parked and got her scooter out of the van, we meandered through the fair to get a breakfast of mini donuts.  The donuts were not as good this year as in the past and I was disappointed.  It started to get busy before the buildings opened at 9:00 AM and my anxiety had started to bother me.  I was tired from travelling the previous day, so when my mom went to use the restroom, I parked myself in the corner of a building and put my head down.  I was woken up by a man who asked me if I was alright.  I told him that I was resting my eyes.  He apologized but I thanked him for being a concerned citizen.  My mom and I shared a foot long hot dog with onions and fried avocados.  The fried avocado bites were not as good as last year and both my mom and I were disappointed with them.  My mom and I each got onion rings because they’re too good to share!  I also got walleye and fried cheese ravioli.  Although I didn’t eat much, I ate enough fried food for the week.  My mom’s scooter was not holding a charged so we left at 10:30 AM.

Sunday 8/26

I drove my spouse all through the state so he could see relatives.  I didn’t exactly enjoy myself and I felt like I could have done better things with my time, but I didn’t hate it either.  First we stopped to visit his father and ex-wife.  His ex-wife pulled me aside and we had some “girl talk time” while my spouse and his father hopefully had a nice visit and conversation.  My spouse and I then went to the area steakhouse and had lunch before visiting his grandmother.  His grandma was surprised to see us and it felt nice to see her smile!  We then drove to visit his younger brother and his wife and two children.  After that we visited his step brother.  We spent the majority of the time speaking to his wife.  His step brother forgot to tell his wife we were coming because she answered the door and was puzzled for us to be there.  Visiting his step brother was a complete waste of time because he was on his computer the entire time.  And here I was, thinking I was addicted to my computer …  We got home late and I was upset because I couldn’t have what I wanted for dinner because they closed before we got home.

Monday 8/27

My parents and I went to the fair today.  I ate a hot dog, cheese curds, and chocolate chip cookies.  I was in a really foul mood from the weekend and tried my best to show a positive attitude.

Tuesday 8/28

My mom surprised me by taking me to the gun club to learn how to shoot a pistol.  The enjoyed the training and found it informative.  I didn’t have a chance at the simulator because the person who used it before me broke it.  (My mom broke it.)  We went to the range in two groups and had a visual demonstration on how to fill the magazine and I guess I did it wrong because the instructor said, “That’s one way to do it.”  (???)  My turn came and I had a very hard time believing I didn’t have enough strength in my hand to pull the trigger, but nothing happened.  The instructor did something, used two of my ten rounds, it worked and I was no longer frustrated.

Wednesday 8/29

I met two new people today and I enjoyed spending time with them!  We went out for dinner at a steakhouse.  Once I got home and found out the aunt I was supposed to visit on Sunday passed away.  Birthday celebration is turning into a celebration of life.  I felt pretty shitty since I made joke about how old she is not knowing she had already passed.  I had a Skype meeting with a few mutual online friends to discuss memories of my best friend who passed away six years ago.  I shed many tears.

Friday 8/31

I am sick today.  I woke up with a stuffy nose.  I thought it was because I cried a bit last night, but my nose was still stuffy.  I developed a low-grade fever and spent the majority of the day in bed.

Sunday 9/2

I went to my great aunt’s funeral today.

Monday 9/3

Today was a great day until my spouse got home and couldn’t find Pepper.  He took Pepper to the emergency vet clinic.  The decision was made to put Pepper down.

Tuesday 9/4

I didn’t have an appetite today and I was depressed.  I cried a lot today.

One Week Ago

I’ve been debating if I wanted to post this publicly and after some thought I decided I would post it.  My reasoning is it may help someone who may be reading this, but I’m sure this blog doesn’t get many visitors.

Three weeks ago I was “looking forward” to my first visit with my new psychiatrist.  I was sorely disappointed.  It put me in a very low mood.  The doctor didn’t want to believe my medical records dealing with my mental health treatments and refused to put me on medications, saying he didn’t have a diagnosis for me and that unnecessary medications can cause side effects.  He told me to return in two weeks.  I left furious.  Silently suffering, more so than I’d ever be willing to admit.  I do not like thinking five steps ahead of myself.

My therapist was crucial in assisting me with getting a follow-up more quickly.  I went back last week at a time when my therapist was on his lunch break.  He called me during my appointment and I put him on speaker phone so he could communicate with the doctor about my history.  The doctor proceeded to YELL at my therapist about how he disagrees with his diagnosis.  I felt extremely uncomfortable.  I was looking at the door asking myself, “Should I walk out that door?”  I started to cry because I realized my doctor is another one of those unprofessional pieces of crap who shouldn’t be in the profession because he’s not helping me.  The doctor told me he was done talking to my therapist, shoved my phone into my lap, and shook his head.  I hung up the call, texted my therapist, “He’s not going to talk to you.”  I got an incoming text from my therapist which was the usual thing I have come to expect from him when stuff doesn’t happen the way it’s “supposed” to.

Meanwhile, I’m still in tears, my doctor asks me why I’m crying and how I’m feeling.  “Sad, low energy, tired and fatigued.” He’s looking for rapid cycling, which I don’t have.  During the consultation, he asked me for specific examples of things I’ve done while manic.  There have been a few I can recount since 2007, the last being in 2016 which should be proof that my past treatment plan was working.  But no, this doctor was trying to tell me my behavior was rational based upon what I told him.

Your boyfriend broke up with you?  It’s normal to be angry and drive 8 hours (one way) to find his car and slash his tires.  (I did not do this, but it was my intent.  Somewhere along the way I realized it was a stupid, stupid thing to do.)  The doctor explained to me that those in manic states are unable to control their impulses, so this one didn’t count.  Quit your job on the spot because of a small disagreement with your manager?  Normal.  No.  No.  No.  Quitting that job is probably one of the top five things I regret doing in my life.  I love-hated-loved that job.  You had a disagreement with your spouse?  It’s normal to pack up all your stuff and leave them.  Twice.  Uh huh, right.

I’m so happy I can see through this doctor’s bull.  As he’s saying these things, I feel like I’m being dismissed.  I AM BEING DISMISSED.  Oh, and when I walked out the door, he asks, “The acne on your face, is that a result of any medication you’re taking?”  No, it’s not, and THANK YOU FOR POINTING THAT OUT WHEN YOU KNOW I AM WORKING ON MY SELF-IMAGE ISSUES, ASSHOLE.

The doctor prescribed my two medications, gave one-third normal dose of one, but I feel much better.  My only issue now is that I can’t sleep and I would rather not take my Robaxin to achieve a great night of sleep when a better alternative, Trazodone, is available to me, yet the doctor refuses to prescribe me.  Sunday night I took my last Trazodone and I slept great.  Monday night I took a Robaxin and I could sleep but the quality wasn’t as great.  Last night I didn’t take anything and let’s just say I feel like I won’t be doing much today.