I’ll start with the best news first.  We’re moving in mid June.  I’m looking forward to it.  The setting reminds me of where I grew up; not too rural or urban.  It’s a nice balance.  I am not looking forward to the daily drive or being far from my established healthcare providers.  I am making compromises that I can live with.  The new place is brand new, quieter, more secure, and off the main drag.  Quiet.

I’m having a really hard time dealing with things in my personal life.  I met with an old friend yesterday.  We caught up over lunch and when finished he wanted to know if I wanted to go to his hotel.  I shot that one down rather quickly.  He sent me an email earlier this evening apologizing for putting me in that position.  I forgave him and kindly asked him to pretend he didn’t ask me because I thought he respected me more than he showed yesterday.  When we first met I threw myself at him since that’s what I thought I was supposed to do — he said he wasn’t interested in that kind of relationship.  This is when everything clicked and I realized not all men want the “one thing.”  I gained a lot of respect for him and never forgot about that night.

I’m also doing a very painful thing and going non-contact with a few “friends” in my life.  I realized they are kind of toxic, but the fixable kind of toxic.  Hard to explain.  I think it’s more me than them.  I’m already hurting because I’m scared I’m going to fuck things up beyond repair.  Usually I’m good at communicating, but this is something that can’t be communicated — I just have that gut feeling.


Just before Easter, my husband and I visited a new construction apartment complex.  The leasing agent gave us a tour and we liked what we saw.  Given our current lease end date, we told the leasing agent when we would like to move in and things didn’t seem to be a problem.  Fast forward to today.  We applied in-person since the unit is pre-leasing and we are unable to apply for a unit that is not physically available.  The only unit available in the best floor plan won’t be available until two weeks before or two weeks after our current lease is up.  If we’re approved, which I don’t see being a problem, that gives us just over seventy days from now until we have to be moved in.  I’m looking around and there are so many things that have to be done.

Nothing can be as overwhelming as packing up the belongings of one and a half people without the help of anyone else.  I’m going to try my best and do things one day at a time.  I have three days of uncertainty until we’ve received the approval.  In essence, the countdown hasn’t started, but when it does…

I had a two-month followup with my dermatologist earlier in the week and she saw a dramatic improvement in my skin texture.  I still can’t believe it took over ten years to find a solution to my skin problems!  I experimented with makeup for the first time in years and discovered the miracle of color correcting powder.  Check me out, I’m also rocking some awesome Paint skills!

I have followups with two other specialists in the coming week and I’m not expecting any bad news.  I am noticing mood changes with a new medication and I am definitely going to bring that up to my doctor and my therapist.  I’m having a hard time deciding if I’m depressed or something less severe.  I have no desire to do things I once loved, but I know that doesn’t automatically mean depression.  Listening to music makes me feel great; recently the thought of food makes me feel sick.

Family Visit

My parents arrived in town last Wednesday.  The day was beautiful and I spent most of the afternoon in my car at the airport overlook.  I have noticed it has become busy recently, and I hope it is because school is out for break and not that my secret unwinding spot has become more known.  The airport has updated the hourly parking to include the first hour free.  This is a nice incentive for non-lazy people like me; the traffic at arrivals and departures often has long delays.  I waited at baggage claim for my parents to arrive, and when I saw them I ran toward my mom and gave her a hug.

The excitement of seeing my parents wore off quickly.  I feel like I was a bad hostess because my mom made me realize how much pain I’m in.  I think I first noticed it last week when we were out and about on a shopping run.  I started to sweat.  I went numb.  And then I had a burst of adrenaline that made me make a dash for the closest place to stretch and relax.  My mom made me take my Tramadol.  I have to please my current doctor because she’s not willing to do much for me since I don’t have much history of back pain; I’ve pretty much ignored it until it gets bad enough that I lie on the floor and deal with it in my own unique way.

Friday afternoon I did a weekly grocery trip and that was my best day as far as pain.  I lasted a long time but got to the point where I hurt so much that I pretty much tuned everything out.  I could have been stabbed in the back and I wouldn’t have cared.  I made a new recipe for dinner, green chili enchiladas.  My parents loved them.  Me, not so much, but I rarely love things I cook for myself.  It’s the whole “made with love” ingredient that I’m missing.

My parents bought a Honey Baked Ham for Easter dinner.  I made company casserole, my “secret” recipe of hashbrowns and cheese baked to bubbly and golden perfection.

We went to Discovery Place on Monday.  It is a museum geared toward families and children, but they had an exhibit of plasticized bodies and body systems.  It was strange and educational at the same time.  The first room had embryos and fetuses that had been preserved.  The first was an embryo at five weeks.  Tiny.  At the stage that women barely know they’re pregnant so I find it amazing that such small specimens were able to be preserved.  I got somewhat angry after seeing them.  Strongly pro-choice, I find it hard to believe that some politicians and individuals are against reproductive choice – these specimens look nothing like humans and are the size of apple seeds.  (I was eight or nine weeks when I terminated my pregnancy.)  I have other thoughts in my mind but I’m sure to save them for when shit does down the drain in this country.




Most of the time I spent with my parents was in the car.  I drove them to stores and other places they wanted to visit.  I feel kind of guilty for not spending more time with them but I hurt so much.  I wish they weren’t here because I liked being in pain and not knowing it.  Now I feel like I can’t do my normal everyday activities without being reminded how much I hurt.

April is here.  The weather is gorgeous except last night there was a thunderstorm that rolled through.  April showers bring May flowers!  I have been all over the place as far as emotional health.  I have to thank a friend for keeping me grounded and for making me see the large picture instead of the smaller, important pieces.