Journaling for Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday

Let me tell you, I do not want to go a week without a Monday in it. Monday; I love Mondays only because it’s the only time I have during the week to talk to someone who doesn’t judge me. Questions were asked:

“How often do you cry?”
“112 nights in a row.”
“How do you know that’s how many days you’ve been crying?”
“Because I still count how many days have gone by since he broke up with me.”
“Who?”
“Um..”
“Does he have a name?”
“Yes, don’t make me say it.”
“I won’t make you. How often did you cry before that?”
“Not enough.”
“What do you mean?”
“When my uncle and grandma died, I didn’t cry.”
“When was that?”
“Sometime around 2001 or so.”
“Oh, so we’re looking at some grief here?”
“…he died, too…”

Of course, this is in the morning…I love it because it’s a great reason to get me out of bed in the morning, but when the session is over, I feel overwhelmed. I took a break, did stuff for myself, and felt happy again after a few hours. But then…

I called the Dean of Transportation. Asked to meet him; told him I wanted to talk to him about my appeal.

I’m convinced that, uh, the appeals committee didn’t even read my documentation. Because, in it, said, “I would like to go to classes.” I took the advice from people in Student Services and didn’t go to classes until I got my appeal results. Well, wouldn’t you know? I was denied. I should have gone with my gut instincts. I would be walking away from school in a week and two days if I had stayed. With a “better” driver’s license, too. I wish I had a crystal ball; if I could see me right here, now, I would have gone to classes. I got my “reassurance” too late.

I would, really, really love to go back some day. Not sure when. Heck, if me can’t find a job, I’ll finish my semester of computer science and go back! The WORST thing that’ll happen: I walk out of there with a class “B”; and even if that’s not really what I want, I won’t turn it down.

I thought about that for a bit, got kind of upset and anxious. Later that night, I got a stupid idea, that, maybe, just maybe…I’d get a response from Jameson. Haha, oh. Man, am I stupid; just goes to show you how foggy I’ve been. I shook like a leaf, and when he didn’t say anything, I was relieved, for some reason. Probably because I knew I didn’t have to deal with him anymore.

And then this old friend contacts me, and I’m kind of wondering what’s up. And I basically told her that men suck…and that I like Brandon, but she took it out of context. And then started saying things that I didn’t want to believe, and I refused to believe them because I know she lies a lot.

I knew she sent him an email, and I was curious about its contents.

Um, then that other friend from the past contacted me (what’s up with this – just because I’m not on AOL Messenger, you guys hop all over me whenever I’m on?) and we caught up. Basically told him that I wanted to put the face back on the person I once knew.

He declined. I don’t have any friends anymore. Once again, I went to bed sad and anxious; but couldn’t sleep.

——–
Tuesday

Yesterday morning was so-so. I was really concerned about what was in that email because I wanted to be the one to tell him that I like him and explain what I mean by that. (By the way, thank you for being “sexually responsible” by telling me you may have had something and he not knowing… /sarcasm.)

As the day went on, I felt better, but the peak of the day was when I got a phone call from the manager of a place I applied to. He wanted to interview me. I was so excited! But, it wore off…

…when the first message I got was “Hi! :D” from Brandon. It’s not like him to be so happy, which lead me to believe that this “friend” really did send an email to Brandon. I wanted to avoid this as much as possible because I didn’t feel like dealing with it at that moment, but things worked out. I got too anxious over nothing.

Have you ever stuck your nose into business that you have no reason to? And then you find out stuff? Well, I did that last night, and I got so sick, I had to throw up. I really, really have to save this for another entry because — it’s… mind-blowing, to me.

(This “he” no longer refers to Brandon.)
How can you “know” someone and then… not know them because they’ve changed? I guess we all have our “things.” I’ll admit: He’s trying to be like me, and I’m trying to be like him. But, that’s not really an excuse. It’s wrong, and I’ll do my best to “be aware.”

*shudders* Looking at this (ya, I printed it up..) makes me sick. But I had to do this because, come Monday, it will be really helpful in explaining “things.”

(Read between the lines, and you’ll know what I’m talking about.)

——–
Wednesday

I know life isn’t fair, but this morning was really unfair. I had a job interview, and the general manager was really busy, so instead of politely asking me if I could reschedule, he asked me a few questions, and then rushed through the job description, and then said there are more questions, but he knew where my answers were going, so there was “no need to ask you more questions.” He then hands me some informational papers about the company, and tells me to have a good day.

I almost got in a car accident today. (Two right turn lanes and three lanes to pick from…) And I didn’t even do anything to prevent it. Not like me, at all. I must be sick because I would have honked or…done something to prevent it. I turn into “my lane” but she turned there, too, so I move over to my left, and then I’m RIGHT NEXT TO HER and she wants to move over again. I have my mirrors set up so I don’t have to look over my shoulder (Bad, not really. Foolproof? No.) but mirrors can’t see out the window!! I really, really hope you look out your window to see if something is BESIDE you when you make a lane change! This woman put her hand on the side of her face like she was embarrassed…and when I ended at a red light right next to her, this bitch had the nerve to give me the finger.

Yeah, I’m a bitch for not letting you move over. I guess I’m also a bitch because I use my signal like 0.02% of the population.

Bleh. I went to the post office. And went for a drive. Almost got killed. (I laugh, and smile.) I’m not kidding you: a “professional” *cough*should have seen this coming*cough* had his head resting where your hands belong. Me really, really hopes he wasn’t sleeping. Oh, but if he was, that’s just another accident for the company that has the worst safety rating in Minnesota. Oh, I think I’ve already been there…like a few weeks ago. Have to love this company…haha. I can’t stop laughing. I shouldn’t laugh though. I might end up working for them if I drop out :p Hence the “professional” in quotes.

Ok, and now I’m here, 2:25 in the afternoon. I’m quite emotional after writing parts of this, but I have to say that parts also make me laugh; what a wonderful stress reducer. I hope I stay this way, but it probably won’t last long because I have a hankering to make a new entry about “business that isn’t mine.”

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