I have been neglecting my personal relationships as of late. I caught up with a friend I haven’t spoken with in a few weeks. We ended up trading a few baking recipes and discussing what brought us together, our mental health. She inspired me to do some baking so I cheated and put some cookie dough in the oven. During our long chat, I explained that my mind has been telling me one thing but my ability to actually do what I brain says has been diminished. I’ve had a severe lack of motivation. One thing I was able to do was apply for a job, but I decided it wasn’t for me because I know I’m not capable of working three 12-hour days back to back. Especially not for minimum wage. I was told to reapply in the future if I was interested.
I’ve started to open up to a few new people. One of these people asked me how I am doing, mentally, and that made me feel happy since this person has been listening to what I’ve been saying. The others gave me helpful advice when I asked. And then there are a few people where I’m asking myself, “why bother?” I’m constantly finding myself reaching out and they don’t want anything to do with me. At least respond to my Skype messages and texts? This person has known me for years and has fallen off the face of the earth. I’m also close to losing two more friends because I’m tired of wasting time on nourishing friendships that seem to die. The feeling is familiar. Sometimes the gut knows what’s coming but the mind isn’t capable of telling me to stop caring and let go.
My spouse and I went out for dinner last Friday to celebrate our tenth anniversary, late. I had French onion soup, crab cakes, and grilled shrimp. The two of us shared mashed potatoes and garlic green beans. We shared a mini cheesecake for dessert and I enjoyed the fresh berries that were on top. The experience was different and I felt out of place. I have no intention of going back there unless we’re given another gift card.
I realized that my journals were tossed in the trash because my spouse thought they were notes. I should have paid attention to what was being done, but I was fatigued and ended up sleeping the entire day away. I’m extremely upset with myself for not keeping my journal with “my belongings.” I discussed this with my therapist and he assured me that I don’t need them if the sole purpose is to look back to see how much progress I’ve made.