Feeling Free

So, so much has happened in the past few months.

One of the people I played World of Warcraft with became my neighbor in March.   My literal neighbor.  As in right across the breezeway neighbor.  He has gone through a few personal issues over the past few months, and I’m glad he could trust me.  We both renewed our leases so we’ll be neighbors for another year.

My father-in-law passed away earlier this summer.  Death brings out the worst in people and I’m keeping all the drama I’ve witnessed out of this blog.

I visited my family over the Labor Day weekend.  As usual, I also went to the Minnesota State Fair.

I’m very happy to say I’m psychiatrically stable. After going through a few doctors and many medication combinations, I have finally found something that works for me. I feel great! I have a few days a month of depression but my doctor assures me this is normal and I shouldn’t need additional medication to manage it.  Also related, I fired the therapist I had been seeing for over three years and found a different therapist who has been helpful in getting over this hump.

My left side has gotten progressively weaker.  I noticed symptoms started in July.  At that time I was unable to clip my own fingernails.  I thought it was an issue with crappy clippers, but I was unable to clip with my left hand and was fine using the right.  I am unable to open chip clips or push buttons on key fobs.  I have poor grip on my left side; I can’t hold objects or carry heavy items.  I had two nerve conduction studies, an ultrasound, and an MRI on my left arm and hand.  I go in next week to get another ultrasound and to discuss the results of my MRI.  My left leg is also weak.  I had an MRI on my lower back and am going in for a follow-up in a few weeks to discuss that result as well.  My leg weakness prevents me from walking up stairs normally and causes my foot to drop.  I have extreme difficulty getting in and out of the tub, still.  I want to know what’s wrong with me.

I’ve been studying to become a phlebotomist.  I take my national certification exam in January.

My spouse and I went to Las Vegas after Thanksgiving.  We bought tickets at the last moment, as in hours before takeoff, and settled for a cheap, yet nice, hotel off The Strip.  The flight there was on a wide-body plane, which I’ve never been on until then.  It was more comfortable than I imagined.  When we landed in Las Vegas, the airport had never dealt with a plane that size so accommodations had to be made which took a few minutes.  We got to the hotel late and had White Castle delivered, then had a few hours of rest.  The next morning, Saturday, we rented a car.  We drove to Green Valley Ranch for the breakfast buffet and then went to Fry’s to browse.  While there, I spotted the always-win rubber duck claw machine and adopted five new ducks.  We then made the long drive to Valley of Fire State Park, and left in time to have the best clam chowder ever for lunch.  We went to the Fashion Show Mall and then retired to the hotel and had that prime rib buffet which was severely disappointing.  We left Sunday afternoon.  It was a very short vacation, but fun one.  I ended up walking my bum off and my legs were not forgiving for days.

Something I’ve been reluctant to post publicly but decided to since I don’t want to hide anymore:  I “came out” to my spouse.  I identify as a poly, demi-sexual pan-romantic.  This means I love more than one person, I don’t have sexual feelings for people unless I have a strong romantic connection with them, and I am attracted to many gender identities.

Annual Vacation

Wednesday 8/22

I woke up at 4:30 AM so I could catch an Uber to the airport.  Thankfully for me, I was able to find one at an early hour and got to the airport with plenty of time to spare.  The last time I tried to get to the airport at an early hour, I was unsuccessful and had to take a taxi.  The prices between Uber and the taxi are not far off anymore since the taxi companies offer the flat rate which works in my favor since I am a bit out of town.  The new terminal at the airport has opened and it is very large and open.  It houses each airline except for American.  The flight was uneventful.  On the second leg from BNA to STL a woman and her companion animal sat next to me.  The dog was well behaved to my surprise.

Thursday 8/23

The first day of the Minnesota State Fair was on Thursday.  My mom and I left the house at 5:30 AM to ensure a close parking spot.  When we arrived outside the gates, cars were lined down the street waiting for the parking lots to be open.  My mom said she had not seen it that busy ever.  Once we parked and got her scooter out of the van, we meandered through the fair to get a breakfast of mini donuts.  The donuts were not as good this year as in the past and I was disappointed.  It started to get busy before the buildings opened at 9:00 AM and my anxiety had started to bother me.  I was tired from travelling the previous day, so when my mom went to use the restroom, I parked myself in the corner of a building and put my head down.  I was woken up by a man who asked me if I was alright.  I told him that I was resting my eyes.  He apologized but I thanked him for being a concerned citizen.  My mom and I shared a foot long hot dog with onions and fried avocados.  The fried avocado bites were not as good as last year and both my mom and I were disappointed with them.  My mom and I each got onion rings because they’re too good to share!  I also got walleye and fried cheese ravioli.  Although I didn’t eat much, I ate enough fried food for the week.  My mom’s scooter was not holding a charged so we left at 10:30 AM.

Sunday 8/26

I drove my spouse all through the state so he could see relatives.  I didn’t exactly enjoy myself and I felt like I could have done better things with my time, but I didn’t hate it either.  First we stopped to visit his father and ex-wife.  His ex-wife pulled me aside and we had some “girl talk time” while my spouse and his father hopefully had a nice visit and conversation.  My spouse and I then went to the area steakhouse and had lunch before visiting his grandmother.  His grandma was surprised to see us and it felt nice to see her smile!  We then drove to visit his younger brother and his wife and two children.  After that we visited his step brother.  We spent the majority of the time speaking to his wife.  His step brother forgot to tell his wife we were coming because she answered the door and was puzzled for us to be there.  Visiting his step brother was a complete waste of time because he was on his computer the entire time.  And here I was, thinking I was addicted to my computer …  We got home late and I was upset because I couldn’t have what I wanted for dinner because they closed before we got home.

Monday 8/27

My parents and I went to the fair today.  I ate a hot dog, cheese curds, and chocolate chip cookies.  I was in a really foul mood from the weekend and tried my best to show a positive attitude.

Tuesday 8/28

My mom surprised me by taking me to the gun club to learn how to shoot a pistol.  The enjoyed the training and found it informative.  I didn’t have a chance at the simulator because the person who used it before me broke it.  (My mom broke it.)  We went to the range in two groups and had a visual demonstration on how to fill the magazine and I guess I did it wrong because the instructor said, “That’s one way to do it.”  (???)  My turn came and I had a very hard time believing I didn’t have enough strength in my hand to pull the trigger, but nothing happened.  The instructor did something, used two of my ten rounds, it worked and I was no longer frustrated.

Wednesday 8/29

I met two new people today and I enjoyed spending time with them!  We went out for dinner at a steakhouse.  Once I got home and found out the aunt I was supposed to visit on Sunday passed away.  Birthday celebration is turning into a celebration of life.  I felt pretty shitty since I made joke about how old she is not knowing she had already passed.  I had a Skype meeting with a few mutual online friends to discuss memories of my best friend who passed away six years ago.  I shed many tears.

Friday 8/31

I am sick today.  I woke up with a stuffy nose.  I thought it was because I cried a bit last night, but my nose was still stuffy.  I developed a low-grade fever and spent the majority of the day in bed.

Sunday 9/2

I went to my great aunt’s funeral today.

Monday 9/3

Today was a great day until my spouse got home and couldn’t find Pepper.  He took Pepper to the emergency vet clinic.  The decision was made to put Pepper down.

Tuesday 9/4

I didn’t have an appetite today and I was depressed.  I cried a lot today.

Another August Vacation

The trip to Los Angeles didn’t happen.  I’m going to leave it at that.  I’m applying the funds for the ticket to fly back home for a two-week stay.  I still owed the airline money, but thankfully it was less than sixty dollars.  As usual, the dates for my annual visit correlate with those of the Minnesota State Fair.  Instead of going to Los Angeles, I drove to Orlando.  I basically stayed in the hotel room all day, went to the pool in the afternoon, and enjoyed eating a lot of new food in the evening.  In the process, I wrote many reviews and shared my pictures on Yelp.  I also drank too much and got sick because tequila is gross and one sip of that nasty substance is all it takes to make me ill — proof that it doesn’t matter how much watermelon there was in that margarita, tequila and I do not mix well.  Going to the pool was one of the first times recently where I didn’t give any fucks about what people thought about me.  There were those lookers but I didn’t let them get to me.

As the days approach to my departure for my home, I’m reminded of many things I miss.  I miss bland food that I can’t find replacements for down here.  I’ll probably buy a couple half-baked pizzas and freeze them, just so I can enjoy them within the first few days of coming back.  (Seriously, I will.)  Frankie’s.  Fish sliders.  Oyster wings.  Jucy Lucy.  Clive’s.  Jin’s.  Wild rice soup with ham.  Beer cheese soup.  Caramel roll.  Walleye!  Walleye!!  Walleye!!!  This list of food doesn’t include what I get at the fair.  I thought I may return back heavier, but after overeating for a week in Orlando, I still haven’t gained.  I stepped on the scale for the first time in a month because I was sick of someone telling me what I can and can’t do to my body.  (In a passive-aggressive voice:  I get it, you hate fat people and you’re changing yourself, but you don’t need to go and shit on everyone else.)  I’m perfectly fine with the number because it’s just a number.  I feel great!

But then there’s the part of me that says, “I’m in trouble.”  I have an excess amount of energy which only means one thing:  I’m manic.  Have I ever voluntarily wanted to clean the whole apartment?  (The answer is no.)  I can’t sleep.  I’m moving around way too much.  (OK, this shouldn’t be a thing but it is usual for me.)  Next Wednesday can’t come soon enough.  The following weeks after won’t either.  It’s not necessarily a bad thing, I just don’t like the symptoms.  It’s incredibly hard to describe to someone how I feel if they’ve never experienced the same thing.