It’s kind of amazing how thoughts can change overnight.  My main concern hasn’t changed.

Now I’m starting to realize some people who said they care about me don’t.

I had a former friend visit me in my dream last night.  I feel incredibly guilty for saying this:  the experience was more than wonderful.  Amazing.  I’m not sure if that word is good enough to use.  I feel guilty because that’s what I want but I can’t have it.  Distance makes it impossible right now.  When I return home and IF I had a chance to meet this person, there is NO WAY things would end up like they did in my dream.

Timing couldn’t be worse.  I’m so confused with feelings at this point I’m having a hard time writing in my personal journal that I share with my therapist.

Today I want to run away.  A short run away to the airport overlook.  Airplanes are loud but I find the experience of watching them take off and land relaxing.

The Staycation

Staycation.  Its meaning is simple; a short getaway near one’s home.  After hubby’s medical procedure, his time off work was getting to both of us.  We were bored and were going stir-crazy.  By Thursday afternoon I felt like I was ready to pull my hair out.  After dinner that night I became stressed from a lot of overthinking, perhaps, and told hubby things that I haven’t explained to him.  This “oversharing” and telling him my feelings and what’s on my mind are making our relationship stronger.  I’m still working to gain his trust; I don’t expect it to happen overnight.

The loss of trust because I fucked up.  Halfway.

Therapy is going well but is getting rather expensive due to not being covered by insurance.  I am getting to the root of my problems.  In early November I was ready to stop going to my sessions because it became too painful.  Discussing very private topics, with a man, no less, can be embarrassing.  But I see my therapist as helping me very much and I plan to continue to go to my sessions.  During the last session I had last week, I mentioned that I was depressed.  A few weeks before that I was feeling on top of the world.  My therapist suggested I call my psychiatric nurse practitioner to see if my medications can be changed before my appointment, which is on Friday.  I was told nothing could be done and that if I had an emergency to go to the hospital.  My therapist and I are disappointed this route was taken.

How do I know I’m in a very low place right now?  I don’t have any motivation.  I don’t feel like doing anything that I usually enjoy.  I don’t feel like talking to people.  I, however, managed to do the dishes and I made a spaghetti dinner.

A Recent Birthday

I recently had a birthday. I received happy birthday wishes from the “important” people in my life minus that of my husband (until 30 minutes before midnight).  Shocking, I know.  The day was spent trying to fix an apartment stove followed by a two and a half hour wait at the North Carolina DMV office waiting for my license to be transferred.  While I was waiting in line, my husband walked across the parking lot and a driver nearly ran him over.  The person who almost ran him over was getting a behind-the-wheel test.  Needless to say, they failed and cried to mommy.  I knew that I’d make my husband’s night when I told him this!

(Birthday “dinner” at IHOP was horrible and I’m never eating at the one on Woodlawn.)

I’ve been back in North Carolina for just under a week.  I left my husband a second time on impulse, you could say.  I had a lousy week in Florida and I realized the grass isn’t greener on the other side.  Empathy can be a curse, like my last entry said.  I’m finding it very difficult to tell Jason that I don’t want a relationship with him.  This might be impossible at this point, but I’d like to remain friends.  I can’t tell him this because I care a lot about how others feel, and I know that giving him this “news” will really upset him.  (It will also upset him if I lead him on, and I can’t decide which is worse.)  Jason thinks I’m back in Minnesota living with my parents.  He does not know that I am working things out with my husband.

Will the constant removal of Real ID, not talking on Skype, absent text messages tell him the obvious?

The stars were trying to tell me something when my unemployment didn’t go through: Amanda does not belong in Florida.

I don’t know what I want.

I have two amazing friends who tell me what I need to hear, offer support, listen, and are overall the two most honest and caring people I’ve met.  Well, I’ve met one and will probably never meet the other and I am perfectly fine with that.  I made a comment to my husband that I’d like him to meet the friend I met in Charlotte, just so my husband can feel more secure about our relationship.  I can’t introduce my husband to my other friend since my husband has a mindset that it isn’t possible to be friends with someone that you’ve never met face-to-face.  I owe one a great big hug and the other…a virtual hug I guess?

I want to be this happy again.  I’m getting there.  Slowly, but faster than I expected.

And no, I have not been in a creative mood and therefore have not done anything with the site.