Annual Vacation

Wednesday 8/22

I woke up at 4:30 AM so I could catch an Uber to the airport.  Thankfully for me, I was able to find one at an early hour and got to the airport with plenty of time to spare.  The last time I tried to get to the airport at an early hour, I was unsuccessful and had to take a taxi.  The prices between Uber and the taxi are not far off anymore since the taxi companies offer the flat rate which works in my favor since I am a bit out of town.  The new terminal at the airport has opened and it is very large and open.  It houses each airline except for American.  The flight was uneventful.  On the second leg from BNA to STL a woman and her companion animal sat next to me.  The dog was well behaved to my surprise.

Thursday 8/23

The first day of the Minnesota State Fair was on Thursday.  My mom and I left the house at 5:30 AM to ensure a close parking spot.  When we arrived outside the gates, cars were lined down the street waiting for the parking lots to be open.  My mom said she had not seen it that busy ever.  Once we parked and got her scooter out of the van, we meandered through the fair to get a breakfast of mini donuts.  The donuts were not as good this year as in the past and I was disappointed.  It started to get busy before the buildings opened at 9:00 AM and my anxiety had started to bother me.  I was tired from travelling the previous day, so when my mom went to use the restroom, I parked myself in the corner of a building and put my head down.  I was woken up by a man who asked me if I was alright.  I told him that I was resting my eyes.  He apologized but I thanked him for being a concerned citizen.  My mom and I shared a foot long hot dog with onions and fried avocados.  The fried avocado bites were not as good as last year and both my mom and I were disappointed with them.  My mom and I each got onion rings because they’re too good to share!  I also got walleye and fried cheese ravioli.  Although I didn’t eat much, I ate enough fried food for the week.  My mom’s scooter was not holding a charged so we left at 10:30 AM.

Sunday 8/26

I drove my spouse all through the state so he could see relatives.  I didn’t exactly enjoy myself and I felt like I could have done better things with my time, but I didn’t hate it either.  First we stopped to visit his father and ex-wife.  His ex-wife pulled me aside and we had some “girl talk time” while my spouse and his father hopefully had a nice visit and conversation.  My spouse and I then went to the area steakhouse and had lunch before visiting his grandmother.  His grandma was surprised to see us and it felt nice to see her smile!  We then drove to visit his younger brother and his wife and two children.  After that we visited his step brother.  We spent the majority of the time speaking to his wife.  His step brother forgot to tell his wife we were coming because she answered the door and was puzzled for us to be there.  Visiting his step brother was a complete waste of time because he was on his computer the entire time.  And here I was, thinking I was addicted to my computer …  We got home late and I was upset because I couldn’t have what I wanted for dinner because they closed before we got home.

Monday 8/27

My parents and I went to the fair today.  I ate a hot dog, cheese curds, and chocolate chip cookies.  I was in a really foul mood from the weekend and tried my best to show a positive attitude.

Tuesday 8/28

My mom surprised me by taking me to the gun club to learn how to shoot a pistol.  The enjoyed the training and found it informative.  I didn’t have a chance at the simulator because the person who used it before me broke it.  (My mom broke it.)  We went to the range in two groups and had a visual demonstration on how to fill the magazine and I guess I did it wrong because the instructor said, “That’s one way to do it.”  (???)  My turn came and I had a very hard time believing I didn’t have enough strength in my hand to pull the trigger, but nothing happened.  The instructor did something, used two of my ten rounds, it worked and I was no longer frustrated.

Wednesday 8/29

I met two new people today and I enjoyed spending time with them!  We went out for dinner at a steakhouse.  Once I got home and found out the aunt I was supposed to visit on Sunday passed away.  Birthday celebration is turning into a celebration of life.  I felt pretty shitty since I made joke about how old she is not knowing she had already passed.  I had a Skype meeting with a few mutual online friends to discuss memories of my best friend who passed away six years ago.  I shed many tears.

Friday 8/31

I am sick today.  I woke up with a stuffy nose.  I thought it was because I cried a bit last night, but my nose was still stuffy.  I developed a low-grade fever and spent the majority of the day in bed.

Sunday 9/2

I went to my great aunt’s funeral today.

Monday 9/3

Today was a great day until my spouse got home and couldn’t find Pepper.  He took Pepper to the emergency vet clinic.  The decision was made to put Pepper down.

Tuesday 9/4

I didn’t have an appetite today and I was depressed.  I cried a lot today.

Unsure

It’s kind of amazing how thoughts can change overnight.  My main concern hasn’t changed.

Now I’m starting to realize some people who said they care about me don’t.

I had a former friend visit me in my dream last night.  I feel incredibly guilty for saying this:  the experience was more than wonderful.  Amazing.  I’m not sure if that word is good enough to use.  I feel guilty because that’s what I want but I can’t have it.  Distance makes it impossible right now.  When I return home and IF I had a chance to meet this person, there is NO WAY things would end up like they did in my dream.

Timing couldn’t be worse.  I’m so confused with feelings at this point I’m having a hard time writing in my personal journal that I share with my therapist.

Today I want to run away.  A short run away to the airport overlook.  Airplanes are loud but I find the experience of watching them take off and land relaxing.

The Staycation

Staycation.  Its meaning is simple; a short getaway near one’s home.  After hubby’s medical procedure, his time off work was getting to both of us.  We were bored and were going stir-crazy.  By Thursday afternoon I felt like I was ready to pull my hair out.  After dinner that night I became stressed from a lot of overthinking, perhaps, and told hubby things that I haven’t explained to him.  This “oversharing” and telling him my feelings and what’s on my mind are making our relationship stronger.  I’m still working to gain his trust; I don’t expect it to happen overnight.

The loss of trust because I fucked up.  Halfway.

Therapy is going well but is getting rather expensive due to not being covered by insurance.  I am getting to the root of my problems.  In early November I was ready to stop going to my sessions because it became too painful.  Discussing very private topics, with a man, no less, can be embarrassing.  But I see my therapist as helping me very much and I plan to continue to go to my sessions.  During the last session I had last week, I mentioned that I was depressed.  A few weeks before that I was feeling on top of the world.  My therapist suggested I call my psychiatric nurse practitioner to see if my medications can be changed before my appointment, which is on Friday.  I was told nothing could be done and that if I had an emergency to go to the hospital.  My therapist and I are disappointed this route was taken.

How do I know I’m in a very low place right now?  I don’t have any motivation.  I don’t feel like doing anything that I usually enjoy.  I don’t feel like talking to people.  I, however, managed to do the dishes and I made a spaghetti dinner.