Feeling Free

So, so much has happened in the past few months.

One of the people I played World of Warcraft with became my neighbor in March.   My literal neighbor.  As in right across the breezeway neighbor.  He has gone through a few personal issues over the past few months, and I’m glad he could trust me.  We both renewed our leases so we’ll be neighbors for another year.

My father-in-law passed away earlier this summer.  Death brings out the worst in people and I’m keeping all the drama I’ve witnessed out of this blog.

I visited my family over the Labor Day weekend.  As usual, I also went to the Minnesota State Fair.

I’m very happy to say I’m psychiatrically stable. After going through a few doctors and many medication combinations, I have finally found something that works for me. I feel great! I have a few days a month of depression but my doctor assures me this is normal and I shouldn’t need additional medication to manage it.  Also related, I fired the therapist I had been seeing for over three years and found a different therapist who has been helpful in getting over this hump.

My left side has gotten progressively weaker.  I noticed symptoms started in July.  At that time I was unable to clip my own fingernails.  I thought it was an issue with crappy clippers, but I was unable to clip with my left hand and was fine using the right.  I am unable to open chip clips or push buttons on key fobs.  I have poor grip on my left side; I can’t hold objects or carry heavy items.  I had two nerve conduction studies, an ultrasound, and an MRI on my left arm and hand.  I go in next week to get another ultrasound and to discuss the results of my MRI.  My left leg is also weak.  I had an MRI on my lower back and am going in for a follow-up in a few weeks to discuss that result as well.  My leg weakness prevents me from walking up stairs normally and causes my foot to drop.  I have extreme difficulty getting in and out of the tub, still.  I want to know what’s wrong with me.

I’ve been studying to become a phlebotomist.  I take my national certification exam in January.

My spouse and I went to Las Vegas after Thanksgiving.  We bought tickets at the last moment, as in hours before takeoff, and settled for a cheap, yet nice, hotel off The Strip.  The flight there was on a wide-body plane, which I’ve never been on until then.  It was more comfortable than I imagined.  When we landed in Las Vegas, the airport had never dealt with a plane that size so accommodations had to be made which took a few minutes.  We got to the hotel late and had White Castle delivered, then had a few hours of rest.  The next morning, Saturday, we rented a car.  We drove to Green Valley Ranch for the breakfast buffet and then went to Fry’s to browse.  While there, I spotted the always-win rubber duck claw machine and adopted five new ducks.  We then made the long drive to Valley of Fire State Park, and left in time to have the best clam chowder ever for lunch.  We went to the Fashion Show Mall and then retired to the hotel and had that prime rib buffet which was severely disappointing.  We left Sunday afternoon.  It was a very short vacation, but fun one.  I ended up walking my bum off and my legs were not forgiving for days.

Something I’ve been reluctant to post publicly but decided to since I don’t want to hide anymore:  I “came out” to my spouse.  I identify as a poly, demi-sexual pan-romantic.  This means I love more than one person, I don’t have sexual feelings for people unless I have a strong romantic connection with them, and I am attracted to many gender identities.

Assessment Tests

I took my assessment tests for college this afternoon. I did somewhat worse than I had expected in my beginning and intermediate maths. The tests were timed, so I felt rushed near the end. I love math, love figuring out numbers and equations, but if I’m given twenty minutes to do fifteen problems, I won’t be accurate.

This is no surprise; I wasn’t good at reading comprehension. I understand WHAT I read, but I don’t understand WHY and HOW people are SUPPOSED to feel about writings. You know, those questions like, “Does the author have bias toward one student over another?”

I like being organized, er, knowing what’s coming up. I printed out the required courses and looked up the prerequisites for each. Then, I placed twelve credits in each quarter and planned out how I wanted to complete my degree. This means that if everything goes according to plans, by this time next year, I’ll have a two-year degree under my belt. And after that, I’ll probably do more school since I’m eighty percent sure I don’t want to look for a job unless I have a Bachelor degree.

I’m going to call an Advisor today and ask to be enrolled in the following courses: Introductory Algebra; Introduction to Windows; Introduction to Database Applications; Mathematics for Business; and Human Relations.

Oh, work, too! How could I forget? I had a meet and greet yesterday evening. I went in not expecting to get anything, but….walk out with full-time (or close to) hours starting Thursday morning! And split shifts on weekends. And a pay increase! And benefits! I hope it works and lasts… 🙂

Journaling for Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday

Let me tell you, I do not want to go a week without a Monday in it. Monday; I love Mondays only because it’s the only time I have during the week to talk to someone who doesn’t judge me. Questions were asked:

“How often do you cry?”
“112 nights in a row.”
“How do you know that’s how many days you’ve been crying?”
“Because I still count how many days have gone by since he broke up with me.”
“Who?”
“Um..”
“Does he have a name?”
“Yes, don’t make me say it.”
“I won’t make you. How often did you cry before that?”
“Not enough.”
“What do you mean?”
“When my uncle and grandma died, I didn’t cry.”
“When was that?”
“Sometime around 2001 or so.”
“Oh, so we’re looking at some grief here?”
“…he died, too…”

Of course, this is in the morning…I love it because it’s a great reason to get me out of bed in the morning, but when the session is over, I feel overwhelmed. I took a break, did stuff for myself, and felt happy again after a few hours. But then…

I called the Dean of Transportation. Asked to meet him; told him I wanted to talk to him about my appeal.

I’m convinced that, uh, the appeals committee didn’t even read my documentation. Because, in it, said, “I would like to go to classes.” I took the advice from people in Student Services and didn’t go to classes until I got my appeal results. Well, wouldn’t you know? I was denied. I should have gone with my gut instincts. I would be walking away from school in a week and two days if I had stayed. With a “better” driver’s license, too. I wish I had a crystal ball; if I could see me right here, now, I would have gone to classes. I got my “reassurance” too late.

I would, really, really love to go back some day. Not sure when. Heck, if me can’t find a job, I’ll finish my semester of computer science and go back! The WORST thing that’ll happen: I walk out of there with a class “B”; and even if that’s not really what I want, I won’t turn it down.

I thought about that for a bit, got kind of upset and anxious. Later that night, I got a stupid idea, that, maybe, just maybe…I’d get a response from Jameson. Haha, oh. Man, am I stupid; just goes to show you how foggy I’ve been. I shook like a leaf, and when he didn’t say anything, I was relieved, for some reason. Probably because I knew I didn’t have to deal with him anymore.

And then this old friend contacts me, and I’m kind of wondering what’s up. And I basically told her that men suck…and that I like Brandon, but she took it out of context. And then started saying things that I didn’t want to believe, and I refused to believe them because I know she lies a lot.

I knew she sent him an email, and I was curious about its contents.

Um, then that other friend from the past contacted me (what’s up with this – just because I’m not on AOL Messenger, you guys hop all over me whenever I’m on?) and we caught up. Basically told him that I wanted to put the face back on the person I once knew.

He declined. I don’t have any friends anymore. Once again, I went to bed sad and anxious; but couldn’t sleep.

——–
Tuesday

Yesterday morning was so-so. I was really concerned about what was in that email because I wanted to be the one to tell him that I like him and explain what I mean by that. (By the way, thank you for being “sexually responsible” by telling me you may have had something and he not knowing… /sarcasm.)

As the day went on, I felt better, but the peak of the day was when I got a phone call from the manager of a place I applied to. He wanted to interview me. I was so excited! But, it wore off…

…when the first message I got was “Hi! :D” from Brandon. It’s not like him to be so happy, which lead me to believe that this “friend” really did send an email to Brandon. I wanted to avoid this as much as possible because I didn’t feel like dealing with it at that moment, but things worked out. I got too anxious over nothing.

Have you ever stuck your nose into business that you have no reason to? And then you find out stuff? Well, I did that last night, and I got so sick, I had to throw up. I really, really have to save this for another entry because — it’s… mind-blowing, to me.

(This “he” no longer refers to Brandon.)
How can you “know” someone and then… not know them because they’ve changed? I guess we all have our “things.” I’ll admit: He’s trying to be like me, and I’m trying to be like him. But, that’s not really an excuse. It’s wrong, and I’ll do my best to “be aware.”

*shudders* Looking at this (ya, I printed it up..) makes me sick. But I had to do this because, come Monday, it will be really helpful in explaining “things.”

(Read between the lines, and you’ll know what I’m talking about.)

——–
Wednesday

I know life isn’t fair, but this morning was really unfair. I had a job interview, and the general manager was really busy, so instead of politely asking me if I could reschedule, he asked me a few questions, and then rushed through the job description, and then said there are more questions, but he knew where my answers were going, so there was “no need to ask you more questions.” He then hands me some informational papers about the company, and tells me to have a good day.

I almost got in a car accident today. (Two right turn lanes and three lanes to pick from…) And I didn’t even do anything to prevent it. Not like me, at all. I must be sick because I would have honked or…done something to prevent it. I turn into “my lane” but she turned there, too, so I move over to my left, and then I’m RIGHT NEXT TO HER and she wants to move over again. I have my mirrors set up so I don’t have to look over my shoulder (Bad, not really. Foolproof? No.) but mirrors can’t see out the window!! I really, really hope you look out your window to see if something is BESIDE you when you make a lane change! This woman put her hand on the side of her face like she was embarrassed…and when I ended at a red light right next to her, this bitch had the nerve to give me the finger.

Yeah, I’m a bitch for not letting you move over. I guess I’m also a bitch because I use my signal like 0.02% of the population.

Bleh. I went to the post office. And went for a drive. Almost got killed. (I laugh, and smile.) I’m not kidding you: a “professional” *cough*should have seen this coming*cough* had his head resting where your hands belong. Me really, really hopes he wasn’t sleeping. Oh, but if he was, that’s just another accident for the company that has the worst safety rating in Minnesota. Oh, I think I’ve already been there…like a few weeks ago. Have to love this company…haha. I can’t stop laughing. I shouldn’t laugh though. I might end up working for them if I drop out :p Hence the “professional” in quotes.

Ok, and now I’m here, 2:25 in the afternoon. I’m quite emotional after writing parts of this, but I have to say that parts also make me laugh; what a wonderful stress reducer. I hope I stay this way, but it probably won’t last long because I have a hankering to make a new entry about “business that isn’t mine.”