Solace

Things have gotten a bit better for me.  A major concern with a job change would be the lapse in health insurance.  It was decided to pay out of pocket for COBRA for myself only, which would result in no lapse of coverage and be cheaper than buying a short-term plan from the marketplace.  I was worried about finding a way to afford my insulin and anti-psychotic (which, I did the math, is $40.76 a pill).  Now that the worry about how to pay for my medications and doctor visits is no longer an issue, I feel a sense of relief and the majority of my anxiety is gone.

The spouse was invited over to his former co-worker’s house to watch UFC on Saturday night.  I took a long nap during the day so I would be able to stay awake the entire night.  We decided to order BBQ for pick-up, but the traffic for the theme park was at a stand still.  I moved 250 feet in traffic in about 30 minutes, decided to “screw it,” found a gap in traffic and made it to the house.  I then called in a pizza order for delivery, but was quoted two hours, so I decided to not be lazy and went to pick it up.  I had Alfredo pasta with chicken, mushrooms, and broccoli.  The side salad was also delicious and I forgot how good the house-made blue cheese dressing is!  The host was very nice, offering me a beer and marijuana, which I declined because it’s probably not the best choice to make while in the middle of applying for a job within the county/police department.  Guys are gross.  But that’s OK because I felt like I fit in.  I tried holding a conversation with someone’s wife and it was about shoes, shopping, and spa day.  I couldn’t care less about any of those things.  And I heard many stories about my spouse at his old work and OH MY GOSH, that boy needs to think before he speaks!  Of course, he says the stories are embellished, but I already know about the sausage-dick jokes, so I’m sure the stories are not too far off from the truth.

I had my psychiatrist appointment this morning.  The new doctor was a lot more welcoming.  I am apprehensive about completely coming off my current medication and going to a single medication to treat manic episodes only, but I trust their decision based upon them going through my complete history.  The doctor genuinely believes I’ve been in a low mood due to the major life events that have happened within the past two weeks, and that my manic episodes are mixed, is a good sign that this new treatment might work well for me.  I will have the added benefit of it being inexpensive and less possibility of weight gain and diabetic side-effects.

Last thing, I think this drive to the new work might kill me.  I’m going to need to find something to do, if not work, until the move because this new drive can suck it.  Still looking: which is the worst intersection on this commute?  I’ve never looked forward to moving, until now.

Depression Is My Friend

I drove 700 miles over two days last week.  I have never seen my spouse work so hard as I did the while on the coast of North Carolina. While I went into town for a bite to eat and to escape the heat, I received a call that he had gotten a job offer. We had the discussion about if he should accept or not. I listened to him and his reasons for wanting the change.

The next day he went into work and it was clear that nobody was thankful for what he had done the day before.  He put in his two week notice and there is nothing his current company can do for him that will convince him to stay.  (Besides asking for a larger raise, but that ship has probably sailed.)  It’s interesting how everyone is sad to see him go but management couldn’t care less because they see him as a number and didn’t fight for him to stay.  I know, for a fact, that shit will hit the fan when he’s gone because he’s the only one that gets stuff finished.

I haven’t been having a great week.  I’m constantly sad and there’s nothing, besides medication, that can be done to make me feel better.  The last week was especially bad because I woke up on Sunday morning to find our second fur baby, Oreo, dead.  I woke up early on Sunday morning and I knew she wouldn’t make it through the night.  I didn’t want to believe it.  I wanted to say goodbye to her one last time but when I saw her mouth hanging open I lost it.  I’m doing everything I can to not think about Oreo, but it’s extremely difficult.  I see shadows moving and I think it’s her walking toward me but it’s the other cat.

I’ve been handed a lot of crap over the past month.  I’ve dealt with my feelings.  I can move on, but there’s that depression that lingers.  It’s the “I don’t give a crap” type of depression because I haven’t been taking care of myself.  I can barely do things I need to do, and I don’t want to do things I used to enjoy.  I explained to an acquaintance that I refuse to open up to anyone “new,” that I don’t have that one “best friend” since my best friend is on the autism scale and she can’t really relate to serious things I want to talk about.

Annual Vacation

Wednesday 8/22

I woke up at 4:30 AM so I could catch an Uber to the airport.  Thankfully for me, I was able to find one at an early hour and got to the airport with plenty of time to spare.  The last time I tried to get to the airport at an early hour, I was unsuccessful and had to take a taxi.  The prices between Uber and the taxi are not far off anymore since the taxi companies offer the flat rate which works in my favor since I am a bit out of town.  The new terminal at the airport has opened and it is very large and open.  It houses each airline except for American.  The flight was uneventful.  On the second leg from BNA to STL a woman and her companion animal sat next to me.  The dog was well behaved to my surprise.

Thursday 8/23

The first day of the Minnesota State Fair was on Thursday.  My mom and I left the house at 5:30 AM to ensure a close parking spot.  When we arrived outside the gates, cars were lined down the street waiting for the parking lots to be open.  My mom said she had not seen it that busy ever.  Once we parked and got her scooter out of the van, we meandered through the fair to get a breakfast of mini donuts.  The donuts were not as good this year as in the past and I was disappointed.  It started to get busy before the buildings opened at 9:00 AM and my anxiety had started to bother me.  I was tired from travelling the previous day, so when my mom went to use the restroom, I parked myself in the corner of a building and put my head down.  I was woken up by a man who asked me if I was alright.  I told him that I was resting my eyes.  He apologized but I thanked him for being a concerned citizen.  My mom and I shared a foot long hot dog with onions and fried avocados.  The fried avocado bites were not as good as last year and both my mom and I were disappointed with them.  My mom and I each got onion rings because they’re too good to share!  I also got walleye and fried cheese ravioli.  Although I didn’t eat much, I ate enough fried food for the week.  My mom’s scooter was not holding a charged so we left at 10:30 AM.

Sunday 8/26

I drove my spouse all through the state so he could see relatives.  I didn’t exactly enjoy myself and I felt like I could have done better things with my time, but I didn’t hate it either.  First we stopped to visit his father and ex-wife.  His ex-wife pulled me aside and we had some “girl talk time” while my spouse and his father hopefully had a nice visit and conversation.  My spouse and I then went to the area steakhouse and had lunch before visiting his grandmother.  His grandma was surprised to see us and it felt nice to see her smile!  We then drove to visit his younger brother and his wife and two children.  After that we visited his step brother.  We spent the majority of the time speaking to his wife.  His step brother forgot to tell his wife we were coming because she answered the door and was puzzled for us to be there.  Visiting his step brother was a complete waste of time because he was on his computer the entire time.  And here I was, thinking I was addicted to my computer …  We got home late and I was upset because I couldn’t have what I wanted for dinner because they closed before we got home.

Monday 8/27

My parents and I went to the fair today.  I ate a hot dog, cheese curds, and chocolate chip cookies.  I was in a really foul mood from the weekend and tried my best to show a positive attitude.

Tuesday 8/28

My mom surprised me by taking me to the gun club to learn how to shoot a pistol.  The enjoyed the training and found it informative.  I didn’t have a chance at the simulator because the person who used it before me broke it.  (My mom broke it.)  We went to the range in two groups and had a visual demonstration on how to fill the magazine and I guess I did it wrong because the instructor said, “That’s one way to do it.”  (???)  My turn came and I had a very hard time believing I didn’t have enough strength in my hand to pull the trigger, but nothing happened.  The instructor did something, used two of my ten rounds, it worked and I was no longer frustrated.

Wednesday 8/29

I met two new people today and I enjoyed spending time with them!  We went out for dinner at a steakhouse.  Once I got home and found out the aunt I was supposed to visit on Sunday passed away.  Birthday celebration is turning into a celebration of life.  I felt pretty shitty since I made joke about how old she is not knowing she had already passed.  I had a Skype meeting with a few mutual online friends to discuss memories of my best friend who passed away six years ago.  I shed many tears.

Friday 8/31

I am sick today.  I woke up with a stuffy nose.  I thought it was because I cried a bit last night, but my nose was still stuffy.  I developed a low-grade fever and spent the majority of the day in bed.

Sunday 9/2

I went to my great aunt’s funeral today.

Monday 9/3

Today was a great day until my spouse got home and couldn’t find Pepper.  He took Pepper to the emergency vet clinic.  The decision was made to put Pepper down.

Tuesday 9/4

I didn’t have an appetite today and I was depressed.  I cried a lot today.