Unsure

It’s kind of amazing how thoughts can change overnight.  My main concern hasn’t changed.

Now I’m starting to realize some people who said they care about me don’t.

I had a former friend visit me in my dream last night.  I feel incredibly guilty for saying this:  the experience was more than wonderful.  Amazing.  I’m not sure if that word is good enough to use.  I feel guilty because that’s what I want but I can’t have it.  Distance makes it impossible right now.  When I return home and IF I had a chance to meet this person, there is NO WAY things would end up like they did in my dream.

Timing couldn’t be worse.  I’m so confused with feelings at this point I’m having a hard time writing in my personal journal that I share with my therapist.

Today I want to run away.  A short run away to the airport overlook.  Airplanes are loud but I find the experience of watching them take off and land relaxing.

The Staycation

Staycation.  Its meaning is simple; a short getaway near one’s home.  After hubby’s medical procedure, his time off work was getting to both of us.  We were bored and were going stir-crazy.  By Thursday afternoon I felt like I was ready to pull my hair out.  After dinner that night I became stressed from a lot of overthinking, perhaps, and told hubby things that I haven’t explained to him.  This “oversharing” and telling him my feelings and what’s on my mind are making our relationship stronger.  I’m still working to gain his trust; I don’t expect it to happen overnight.

The loss of trust because I fucked up.  Halfway.

Therapy is going well but is getting rather expensive due to not being covered by insurance.  I am getting to the root of my problems.  In early November I was ready to stop going to my sessions because it became too painful.  Discussing very private topics, with a man, no less, can be embarrassing.  But I see my therapist as helping me very much and I plan to continue to go to my sessions.  During the last session I had last week, I mentioned that I was depressed.  A few weeks before that I was feeling on top of the world.  My therapist suggested I call my psychiatric nurse practitioner to see if my medications can be changed before my appointment, which is on Friday.  I was told nothing could be done and that if I had an emergency to go to the hospital.  My therapist and I are disappointed this route was taken.

How do I know I’m in a very low place right now?  I don’t have any motivation.  I don’t feel like doing anything that I usually enjoy.  I don’t feel like talking to people.  I, however, managed to do the dishes and I made a spaghetti dinner.

Beep Beep Here Comes the Jeep

I woke up to a temperature of 47 degrees.  It feels WONDERFUL.  If it gets too warm in a car, most people turn off the heat.  I prefer to roll down the window.  That’s one of the many stereotypical things Minnesotans do.

Since July, I’ve rented a Kia that smelled like smoke, a Chevy Malibu, a Toyota 4 Runner, and Jeep Compass.  I’m leasing hubby’s co-worker’s Jeep Wrangler until the car is fixed.  It took a call and letter to the SC Department of Insurance to get the insurance companies to figure out their shit.  One company has decided 70% liability but the other refuses the remainder.  Apparently being stopped at a stop sign makes me 30% at fault for the accident.  Whatever.  I said fuck it and am starting the repairs on the CX-5 since I want my own car back.

Don’t tell anyone:  I really enjoy driving the Cherokee despite my actions or words.

I recently reunited with an acquaintance from high school who I haven’t spoken to in two years.  It is really nice to talk again.  Everything is very natural; it’s like we just talked the other day as we picked up where we last left off.